“Whenever I feel my emotions getting the best of me, I simply picture an empty box and I take whatever I’m feeling and put that in the box. And then, I picture myself putting the box away in a big, empty closet and closing the door. Then, if I have time, I go back and open the box and deal with the emotion, in private”—
“Do you think I’m any less screwed up than you are? I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and I try and figure out just where in this world I fit in, and every morning I draw a complete blank.”—
I try and i try to please everybody, and im sick of people being disappointed if for once i think about myself. Yet to them, i have always been selfish. Its like they dont see what i do and the effort i put in, i am just branded as being shallow. I will admit, that at times i feel like all i have going for me is the external me, but just because i care more for that doesnt make me a selfish person. I hate my personality, i would have given anything to have been more ‘manly’. If i let go of my shallowness, then i will have nothing left in myself to strive for…
Throughout my life, the one thing I have learnt is to smile when i dont really feel like it. the times i have stood there talking to someone, wanting to just break down, but instead smiling. Smiling makes things simpler in life, people do not ask questions if you dont give them a reason to. It masks out your pain. I guess thats why some people see me as a shell. Its not that I dont care, i just dont see the need in public displays of emotion. Smiles are such, where they are associated with happiness, but i believe that they are associated with grief also. Pain is in everyones life, but it is those who painfully smile, where there is most grief. Smiling is my way of making everyone else happy, even if sometimes im not, smiles are contagious. After my cousin passed away, my job was to always fix things, but you get to that point where not everything can be fixed by a little boy. I can tell the difference between a smile, and a smile that masks years of effort trying to please everyone. How do I know this, because they have the exact same look in their eyes as what i once had; that look that says if i dont keep up this facade, everything will fall apart, not just in my own life, but in the lives of those you are forever trying to please…
I just heard a song on tv that reminded me of my cousin. ‘Fly’ by celine dion was the song that my cousin was buried to nearly 8 years ago. They say time flies and it really does. I feel so guilty that as the more time goes by, the more i feel like im forgetting her. I know i never will because of all of the reminders, but all i have left of her is a distant memory and tats what kills me. Memories are all we have left of remembering the past, if only we could change it.
xox Kate <3
'take your gentle happiness, far to beautiful for this'
“I wish I could’ve lived my life without making any wrong turns. But that’s impossible. A path like that doesn’t exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time, we push forward. It’s all we can do. On our own two feet.”—
finally making some friends in Adelaide :) and its so great cause they like me too. I guess coming from a school where i felt like nobody liked me has made it hard for me to make friends but i have fun with them :) i guess i have the best of both worlds having my bestie come from pirie and now some adelaide friends…life is swell
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”— Elisabeth Kubler-Ross